So, I apologize to those who have been curious with what have been happening in my life since my last, very emotion, blog post.
The top 10 moments since my last post in the Summer of 2013:
1. I spent a month living with my parents
2. I worked in the accounting department of a company (and was affirmed that I do not like accounting...)
3. Sold/donated a lot of my personal belongings
4. Moved to Waco, TX
5. Got my first official position as a youth minister at an amazing church
6. Started seminary
7. Realized why things seemed so difficult for me in the past
8. Have been learning to love myself
9. I have been so incredibly blessed by my community here
10. I have been living with two of the coolest girls in the world (well...three if you count Charlie the dog)
Tonight, specifically, I just realized how much I have been relying on auto-pilot. Apathy is something that I have always struggled with, but it is usually just a phase I go in and out of. However, now, it is effecting me to the point where I am drained. I found myself literally pleading with God to get me through the evening worship without breaking down. Now, I want to emphasize that nothing out of the ordinary happened...I'm just exhausted.
I've been racking my brain as to what triggers this apathy so I can get rid of it. I know a big factor is that I haven't picked up my bible to be filled with the word in such a long time (no matter how cliche that sounds...). I can't help by be constantly analyzing the Word with historical context and the idea of the canonization...I feel like I have lost something very deep and important. Where is that passion to grow closer to Jesus in any way possible and being fuel by His scripture? Now, instead of holding my bible dear to my heart, I get exhausted at the very idea of opening it.
Since the thing that refueled me is making more tired, I've coasted to this place of apathy. But how could I...?
(Tenth Avenue North is playing on my spotify account with the same some Britney Sue sang to me to calm me in Bulgaria... "You're my beloved lover, I'm yours, And Death shall not part us, It's you I died for, For better or worse, Forever we'll be, My love it unites us and it binds you to me, It's a mystery...")On my way home tonight from dropping off two of my youth at their house, I was reminded of a song we sang in high school with Impact, a worship team made up of high school students led by a man named Dave. A girl named Courtney had the solo and it put my in awe every time I heard it. "Give me one pure and Holy passion. Give me one magnificent obsession. Give me one glorious ambition for my life, to go and follow hard after you..." I want my passion back. I want to go and follow hard after Jesus. I want to feel so overwhelmed by His love and mercy that I can't help but dance and sing for His glory alone.
I hope the next time I write 9 months hasn't passed...and that I fall back in a deep passionate love with my Savior. It's there...I know it is.
Until next time,
Love and God Bless,
Samantha
