Blog Fail.

I have come to the conclusion that I am terrible at Blogging...
So, I apologize to those who have been curious with what have been happening in my life since my last, very emotion, blog post. 

The top 10 moments since my last post in the Summer of 2013:
1. I spent a month living with my parents 
2. I worked in the accounting department of a company (and was affirmed that I do not like accounting...)
3. Sold/donated a lot of my personal belongings
4. Moved to Waco, TX
5. Got my first official position as a youth minister at an amazing church 
6. Started seminary 
7. Realized why things seemed so difficult for me in the past
8. Have been learning to love myself
9. I have been so incredibly blessed by my community here
10. I have been living with two of the coolest girls in the world (well...three if you count Charlie the dog)

Tonight, specifically, I just realized how much I have been relying on auto-pilot. Apathy is something that I have always struggled with, but it is usually just a phase I go in and out of. However, now, it is effecting me to the point where I am drained. I found myself literally pleading with God to get me through the evening worship without breaking down. Now, I want to emphasize that nothing out of the ordinary happened...I'm just exhausted. 

I've been racking my brain as to what triggers this apathy so I can get rid of it. I know a big factor is that I haven't picked up my bible to be filled with the word in such a long time (no matter how cliche that sounds...). I can't help by be constantly analyzing the Word with historical context and the idea of the canonization...I feel like I have lost something very deep and important. Where is that passion to grow closer to Jesus in any way possible and being fuel by His scripture? Now, instead of holding my bible dear to my heart, I get exhausted at the very idea of opening it. 

Since the thing that refueled me is making more tired, I've coasted to this place of apathy. But how could I...?
(Tenth Avenue North is playing on my spotify account with the same some Britney Sue sang to me to calm me in Bulgaria... "You're my beloved lover, I'm yours, And Death shall not part us, It's you I died for, For better or worse, Forever we'll be, My love it unites us and it binds you to me, It's a mystery...")

On my way home tonight from dropping off two of my youth at their house, I was reminded of a song we sang in high school with Impact, a worship team made up of high school students led by a man named Dave. A girl named Courtney had the solo and it put my in awe every time I heard it. "Give me one pure and Holy passion. Give me one magnificent obsession. Give me one glorious ambition for my life, to go and follow hard after you..." I want my passion back. I want to go and follow hard after Jesus. I want to feel so overwhelmed by His love and mercy that I can't help but dance and sing for His glory alone. 

I hope the next time I write 9 months hasn't passed...and that I fall back in a deep passionate love with my Savior. It's there...I know it is.

Until next time,
Love and God Bless,
Samantha

Wait...it's over?

Well, now that I'm all graduated and junk, I guess it is time to start writing in here.
Sorry to all the followers that have read my blog in the past. I kind of dropped the ball here at keeping everyone updated.

Quick recap of my year:

• I graduated
• I lived in Kirksville for the month of June working for admissions
• July, I will be living with my parents and working with my dad for a bit
• Gretchen's getting married! 
• Then I move to Waco, TX to start seminary for youth, student and family ministry. 

Tonight is my last night in K-Vegas. It is really weird and very bitter sweet. This past month has been a difficult one. Some things that have been reaffirmed to me:
1. I could never live alone
2. I don't communicate well
3. I could never retire

Let's start with #1
I could never live alone:
I can't stand to be alone for long periods of time. Literally can not stand it. I get really sad and just start randomly crying and feel so lonely. Yes, I love my personal space...but when it comes to being alone for a whole week...even part of a week...I can't do it.

#2
I don't communicate well:
Going off of the above...I never really told my friends here that I was feeling this way. To that I am sorry I shut you out. To explain...
I hate confrontation. I am stubborn. Also, when it comes to fight or flight...I flee as quick as possible when it comes to things about myself. I don't like the idea of being someone else's burden or getting pity from anyone. Ironically, by me doing that...when everything comes to the surface that is exactly what happens. Therefore, in the future...if I am acting distant or different....please confront me about it. I doubt I will bring it up, so please...harass me about it.

#3
I could never retire:
I love working too much. I love having things to do with groups and to work on to bring to a group! When I don't have anything like that going on...I go crazy and just sit there...I don't think I have ever had this much down time in my life. It is too weird.

Anyways, that's my little reflection on what I've learned this past month.

For friends reading this from TSU:
I love you guys. Thank you for helping me become who I am today. All of you played a significant role in my life whether you know it or not. My first semester at Baylor is approaching quickly and I'm getting nervous, but excited. I know it's time for me to go, and I knew it was coming...I just didn't think it would get here so quickly.

Shout out to Debbie:
My friend, Debbie, has this awesome blog that always manages to say exactly what I need to hear. For tonight it was affirmation that I'm not alone, even though it may feel like it. That I am always with the Lord even if I don't feel close to Him. I need to be patient. Thanks Debbie for the encouragement.
(you can check out her blog at http://alwayssecondchances.blogspot.com/2013/06/not-invincible.html)

I love you all,
God Bless.